Whales and Koalas

Ugh on top of that [[spoiler alert… kind of?]] I’m watching Death Note for the first time and I think L fucking died? 

I haven’t watched further so I’m not sure if it’s a hoax or not… but regardless, I really liked L, and I’m sad he died.

So emotional right now omg. 

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I’m really sad that schedules aren’t lining up. 

I leave next Friday, but I can’t say with certainty that I’ll see those who are important to me before then because I don’t have my schedule for Starbucks. 

I hate not being able to make things definite until I see when I’m working. 

The worst case scenario would be that Starbucks has me working Monday through Thursday, leaving me only the weekend to really do anything. 

I don’t know how likely it is that they’ll have me work on such a short notice, but still.

I mean I have a feeling I’ll be able to see my friends both tomorrow and on Monday if my work schedule doesn’t suck… but the days my boyfriend has free time (which is usually like one or two hours because of all the homework he has from school) my mom is home and doesn’t like it when I leave because she wants to spend time with me. I couldn’t help but feel bummed out at my situation when Andrew told me he had a whole six hours to hang out tomorrow but I couldn’t see him. That, I feel, was the most free time he’s had in such a long time. 

I’m just really sad right now. I know it’s not the last time I’m going to see them, but I can’t help but feel like I’m running out of time. 

My emotions are starting to act up again. 

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The power of lighting. 

Red to blue hair. Tan to pale skin. 

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Ugh I looked fucking nasty junior year. 


I mean freshman and sophomore year were bad too… like I was such a baby with a nasty stache… but junior year, man. After London, I started looking gross. Thank God I made a comeback my senior year (or at least I’d like to think). 

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I also want it to be known, that I am so grateful that Andrew looks past my flaws. Despite knowing how big of a wallflower and how painfully awkward I can be, he still asked me to be his homecoming date. On top of that, he still stayed with me the entire night. 

I think my boyfriend deserves an award because of how much of me he is able to put up with and still love me. I definitely put him through a lot and I’m glad he’s stuck by my side regardless.

I love you, neuropeen. So much.

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New Goal: Stop being so easily intimidated when I’m immersed in a group that consists of my boyfriends friends (people I don’t know). 

I’ve gotten better at not being awkward and can hold my own in a one-on-one conversation, but I feel like I still have this inferiority complex in certain situations. I really don’t intend to sound racist or sexist, but this happens most when I’m surrounded by white people or men who are bigger than me. It’s probably because I’m used to interacting with asian girls (growing up, they made up most if not all my friends). 

If my boyfriend invites me to be his date to his senior prom, I’m going to try my best to not be that kid again.

I want him to enjoy his time more. I want him to be able to have fun and joke around with his friends alongside me; that way, he won’t be stuck, trying to make me feel more comfortable when he could be dancing and having a good time. I don’t want my boyfriends senior prom to be lame because he asked me, someone who should only add on to his great experience, to go — not someone awkward and dumb. 

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I like clothes.

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I’m not even going to lie, the idea of a first impression is really getting to me. 

My interview went pretty well, but I just don’t want to leave a bad impression. It took me over four hours to email my availability schedule to the manager because I wanted everything to sound right, and I definitely overthought the email. I was really anxious while hovering over the send button. Even after I sent it, I kept rereading it over and over to make sure it was right (and to top it all off, at the end of my managers “Congrats!” email, she ended with “I chose you for a reason so don’t disappoint me”). 

My orientation for work is on Tuesday, next week. I’m going to make sure that I leave an even better impression on my future partners than I did on my manager this morning during the interview. 

(That interview ended with the manager saying that I’d be a good fit for the job and her only concern was that she fears I might have trouble with humility… Which really took me by surprise because I’m typically pretty humble, I’d think. I’d guess that it’s because I mentioned me being a leader in band a lot to compensate for my lack of any job experience (sounding like I’m not used to being inexperienced and “at the bottom/a rookie”) and because I had a little trouble speaking about my weaknesses. It probably sounded like I didn’t feel like I had any, but really it was because I had a lot of them going on in my head and didn’t know how to pick and describe my biggest weakness without sounding incompetent.)

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I want to get out of this house. I’m seriously just counting down the days until I’m not obligated to stay here. 

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The lights shut off. Solitude in the dark park is actually quite comforting.

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My roommate doesn’t support homosexuality, and I didn’t even break the news to him yet. 

I guess I need to make some calls to the Housing Administrations. 

UPDATE: He told me that he didn’t even want a roommate in the first place. 

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This is my bouldering progress after two weeks! 

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I’ve been too anxious these past few days. It’s overwhelming…

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"2:00am Self"